youre lurking in front of me
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
