had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
