I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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