I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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