Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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