I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Randomize
