I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
