hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
