I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the condom got lost in my hair
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
