who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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