The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
