Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
how does that bad decision feel?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
