I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
