She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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