Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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