I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
