Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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