I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
