You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
