The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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