You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
