and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
