she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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