so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
