When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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