I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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