Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
