I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Someone shattered a urinal.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
