Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
