Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
They left me at home... I'm a liability
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
