Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
