i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
