i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
