pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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