oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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