My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
