Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
