I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
