Pants 0. Shit 1.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
you made out with another girl for some wings
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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