New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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