I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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