...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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