I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
