I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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