There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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