Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Don't tell me you're on acid again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
