That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
