dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
