know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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