Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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